DaveyStradamus Predicts the Future
Welcome to the Schmoozeletter Blog. Your source for weekly water cooler wisecracks from the world of finance. If you have an opinion different than mine or a topic you want to hear about, let me know!
This week, Mr. Market takes another tumble as consumer confidence continues to crumble.
But enough mumbo jumbo. This is:
DaveyStradamus Predicts the Future
Fear not, friends. As the markets bleed and pets’ heads fall off everywhere in the finance world, I come with reassuring news. I have seen the Grays Sports Almanac up to 2030 and I am here with 10 predictions for five years out.
What companies’ stock prices will beat the market? What other lunacy will take place?
1. Google’s stock price will beat the market.
Longtime Schmoozers (of two weeks or more) know my thoughts on the Search giant. I saw if the bastards could do 90, and GOOG beats the market by 2030. Here is how it happened.
2. Phillies will win the World Series.
This is a good time to remind you that I am a time-traveling, mind-reading, soothsaying, prophetic oracle ghost of Christmas future. And not at all just hoping for my favorite baseball team to have another parade down Broad Street. Nope.
3. Amazon’s stock price will beat the market.
(Former) CEO. Entrepreneur. Born in 1964. Jeffrey. Jeffrey Bezos.
This real-life version of Mr. Clean will continue his company’s quest for world domination, and AMZN beats the market by 2030. It is their density. Here is how it happened.
4. US will regulate financial assets again.
This may be the boldest claim on the list. The new administration dropped a pump-and-dump meme coin on the American people on day one and has been stopping regulatory agencies from… eh… regulating… ever since.
What was this week in “all crime is legal when you donate to the Don”? They busted one of the most notorious fraudster CEOs out of jail with the presidential pen.
The pendulum has swung fully to the way of the criminals, as we elected a convicted felon this term, but my crystal ball tells me it’s coming back—at least to not so blatant corruption in the future.
Better get used to those bars, kid.
5. ASML’s stock price will beat the market.
You don’t need a DeLorean to see that AI is here to stay. All the big dogs are building their infrastructure, and that means they need “patterning” machines from the only game in town. I checked if anybody was home, and ASML beat the market by 2030. Here is how it happened.
6. Dollar Dog Day becomes a national holiday.
Yup.
7. Uber’s stock price will beat the market.
Uber has reached profitability, and its bookings, monthly active users, and revenue are all growing at double digits per year. The valuation is still incredibly low, as investors worry hoverboards and cyber cabs might destroy this company completely.
I think it’s much more likely Uber partners with the likes of the Waymos of the world rather than vanishes from the finance family photograph. I flexed the flux, and UBER beat the market by 2030. Here is how it happened.
8. Elon Musk will no longer be the world’s richest man.
This week, Elon’s incredibly successful acquisition of Twitter gets bailed out by his AI company, the nonprofit xAI.
Elon bought Twitter using his TSLA shares. He also founded xAI, the American public-benefit corporation, using his TSLA shares.
Why pay capital gains tax on TSLA shares when you can instead roll them into a tax-free nonprofit for a charitable contribution that is a tax deduction?
So far, Elon has been getting investors to pay any price for TSLA based on his grandiose visions of the future. Fundamentals be damned! Tesla will be “worth more than the next top five companies combined!” (Actual Musk quote from Tesla’s most recent earnings call.)
It’s a bit tough to keep pitching the story of outlandish growth in the future for a company that isn’t growing.
But robots!
I kicked it up to 1.21 gigawatts, and Elon wasn’t able to keep catching lightning in a clock tower with TSLA’s ridiculously overvalued stock price.
He’ll still be rich—just not the richest.
9. VICI will not miss a dividend payment or cut their dividend.
You need to be some type of butthead to think the safest REIT on the market is going to be disrupted in the next five years.
They collected 100% of their rent in 2020.
Think they won’t in the next five years?
What’s wrong, CHICKEN?!
10. Babies today will head off to kindergarten.
That’s heavy.
Final Thought
If any of these turn out not to be true, it’s only because you having this knowledge has set us on a different timeline. Now make like a tree and get outta here.
