Mr. Market is in full-on panic selling mode with the Trump Tariffs causing a brutal collapse. Investors are finding out that simply saying you are pro-business, or that your party is better for the economy, doesn’t actually make it true. 

So let’s take a look at what is going on and decide:

To Panic or Not To Panic

Fear not, friends. As the markets bleed and pets’ heads fall off everywhere in the finance world, I come with reassuring news. I have seen the Grays Sports Almanac up to 2030 and I am here with 10 predictions for five years out.

What companies’ stock prices will beat the market? What other lunacy will take place? Read on to find out.

Does that sound too good to be true? Many things do. But it’s not.

It is incredibly easy to get paid to buy stock.

Everybody hates Google. Haven’t you heard? The kids don’t use Search anymore, and ChatGPT is going to put them out of business?!

This is a compelling narrative. So compelling that Google has sold off to a dirt-cheap valuation. But ChatGPT has been around for a couple of years now, so we would probably see that show up in the financials, right?

This is the second annual Schmoozeletter VICIversary! Woo! Party hats and noisemakers. March 9th, 2023, was my first-ever purchase of everyone’s favorite real estate investment trust, VICI Properties. Two years ago, I entered the VICIverse at $33 per share. 

“But Dave?!” you say. “$33 per share? It is now under $33. Why are you celebrating and not in the town square receiving twenty lashes for your tomfoolery?”

Why are markets in turmoil? Why is your 401(k) down and your crypto wallet in shambles?

Mostly because King Trump is dishing out tariffs like Oprah used to fling cars around the studio.

And you get a tariff. 

And you get a tariff. 

And you get a tariff.

In honor of the Argentine president’s $100M fraud with LIBRA coin, I figured I’d dust off my Grammy Award-winning diss track, Crypto Bonfire. 

One day, King Trump will be dethroned, and the United States will get back to regulating financial assets instead of propping up swindlers. In the meantime, try not to get scammed with crypto. 

I’m talking generational wealth. I’m talking should we vacation in Monaco or Versailles level rich. I’m talking when I bought that Aston Martin, y'all thought it was rented level rich. I’m talking extra protein, add the queso AND the guac at Qdoba level rich. 

How much does it cost to set your kids up like that?  Probably less than you think.

TSLA just reported earnings, and they were bad. Although, I guess that depends on how you look at things. 

On the one hand, you have logic, reason, hard data, numbers, facts, figures, stone-cold dollars and cents on a virtual piece of paper.

On the other hand, you have the pie-in-the-sky aspirations of a billionaire who has never been told no. 

This week, Federal Reserve Chair Powell and the gang kept interest rates the same, which was what everyone expected. There are always fireworks in the Q&A after the announcement, with the blood-sucking journalists looking for a juicy political soundbite to get their clicks.

This week was all about The Don. 

What was your favorite part of inauguration day?

This week, the market is saved!

What a difference a week makes.

This week, the nerd convention was in Vegas. The most market moving piece of information was that Geek God Jensen Huang, the CEO of Nvidia, took a big ol' dump all over quantum computing.

HELP! I’ve made a bunch of money in non-fungibles.

You’re the NFT King. You’re the crypto Capone. You’re the Ripple ruler. You’re the Pepe jefe. You’re the Stellar Lumens most-stellar-of-humans. Too much?